The Abridging of Haruhi Suzumiya: The Fanfiction
by Daemon McRae
Summary: A fanfic of an Abridged Series for one of the world's most cracked-out animes. Yes, it's a crackfic. Yes, it's strange and inappropriate. And yes, you will read it. Please support the Abridging on YouTube by Fullmetalchao. DISCONTINUED
1. Chapter 1

The Abridging of Haruhi Suzumiya: THE FANFICTION

Author's Note: Yes, I am that sick twisted and evil that I would write a fan fiction about an abridged series about one of the most cracked up animes ever made. But if My normal Teen Titans fan fictions aren't selling, my F.E.A.R./Teen Titans crossover isn't getting ANY, then I figure the best way to do this would be to shove something in your face so absolutely messed up that it should never see the light of day. And you ARE going to read it. Do you know why?

Because it's there.

Chapter 1: The Mistake (AN: Yes, there will be multiple chapters. Because I'm mean.)

Life at school for Kyon was becoming somewhat stable lately. A fact which both terrified and disturbed him. As he entered the classroom-

"Will you PLEASE cut the crappy over-artistic narrative?! Like I don't have enough to deal with trying to keep tabs on a PMSing overdiety, compounded with month after month of sexual frustration due to the overwhelming amount of overprotective internet moms, and trying to keep the world from falling to pieces, now I get an annoying narrative voice floating around my head telling me shit I ALREADY KNOW?! What the FUCK, Japan?!"

*cough* As I was SAYING, as Kyon entered the OCCUPIED classroom and began talking to himself because _only the main character can hear the narrator in these scenarios_, he realized that his unforgiving karmic debt would never let him lead a normal life.

"You do realize that I, being an esper, can hear you, too, right?" Asked Itsuki, looking up from his K-On doujin. And yes, I do know this, but you're also a druggie, and noone believes druggies. "Screw you."

"Bitch." said an uncharacteristically deep voice from the corner of the room, where Yuki was reading god knows what. "Cracker it's the script for the next episode. Don't be hatin' my job." *twitch* I'm going to assume you can hear me too, right, Mikuru?

"Yes, but I thought it inappropriate to make a comment and interrupt you while you were talking. Also, I was thinking about puppies."

WHAM! The classroom door banged open, and a grinning Haruhi paraded into the room, carrying with her a small handful of boxes. Pointing a commanding finger at Kyon, she barked, "Slave! There's more equipment in the hall, bring it in!"

"Why should I?" Kyon grumbled, despite knowing he would do it anyway. Whu-tish! "Did… did you just make the whipped noise?" Yeah, yeah I did.

"Kyon, who are you talking to? Have you been in Itsuki's stash again? I thought we went through that days ago," Haruhi asked, not really caring if she got an answer.

The WHIPPED boy sighed, his shoulders slumping, as he stepped into the hallway, and noticed several large, and undoubtedly heavy boxes sitting in the middle of the hall. "Great, what does she want us to do now?"

After several minutes of solo heavy lifting, because noone ever offers to help the poor bastard, Kyon collapsed in a chair next to the officer's desk. "All right, I'll bite. What the hell are we doing this week?"

"We're starting a band!" Haruhi answered, grinning maniacally.

"And where did you get the money for this?"

"Selling your little sister on E-Bay."

Kyon paused for a moment. "…WHAT!?"

"What? It's not like you were using her. And she said it was ok. Besides, we all know Itsuki's going to buy her anyway, you'll still see her."

"Lulz. It's true."

"Itsuki, if you touch her, I'm selling you to Kitamura-kun."

The screen cuts over to Yusaku Kitamura, currently holding nothing but a towel. (You know the scene.) "Of course I'LL take him." He commented, in a disturbingly feminine voice.

As the camera pans over to Itsuki, he shudders slightly, and leaves the room. "Cold shower, cold shower."

Kyon then turned his head to the ceiling. "And what do you mean, the screen cut over? What camera?! This is all in text!"

…I will write Kitamura into this universe if I have to, don't question The Writer.

"Riiigghht… I'm just going to pretend that there ISN'T an almighty voice emanating from the ceiling narrating our every action."

You do that.

Kyon's eyebrow twitched violently.

"Kyon, who are you talking to? And what do you mean, almighty? You should know that I'm the almighty one here. Now sit your whipped ass down, you're going to be writing us some songs," Haruhi dictated.

"Why do I have to… never mind." Kyon submitted to his whippedness-

"I hate you"

-_sucked it up,_ and pulled out a piece of paper and a pencil, trying to think of something to write about that didn't totally suck out loud.

"I guess I could always write something emo, people eat that shit up like free yaoi." He looked up in time to see all three girls staring avidly at him. "Are you hiding free yaoi from us, slave?" Haruhi demanded.

Thinking quickly, he answered, "Yeah, it's in Ritsu's skirt."

The screen panned over to a room full of high school girls in dramatically different uniforms. "Hey, who's been going through my skirt? That's Mio's property!"

As the screen panned back over to Haruhi, she glared at Kyon viciously, while he tried not to cave like a little bitch. "HEY!" he yelled, glaring at the ceiling.

"Kyon, my eyes are down here." Haruhi snapped, then, losing interest entirely, began unpacking the musical equipment. Yuki was handed a guitar. "Hellz yeah, cracker got some taste." she commented, strapping the guitar on, having not yet forgotten how to play. Haruhi herself also pulled out a guitar: the same one she had used in the Culture Festival.

"Wait, wasn't that on loan from the Light Music Club?" Mikuru asked timidly, forgetting that Haruhi's all-governing rule of "I touched it, it's mine" applied to anyone's things. "Oh," she added, then sat back down.

"I don't know who you are, but you seem to have the right idea. Why don't we make you the keyboardist?" Haruhi asked no one… in.. particuOHGODDAMNIT!

"Yes?" Haruhi asked. Me. You can hear me, now, too?

"I could always hear you, you just never said anything important, and degrading Kyon is much easier than having to acknowledge someone else in the room."

Great. Now I have to keep running commentary, explain the story, AND keep conversation with you lot?

"Now you're getting it. On second thought, you being the keyboardist would be pretty stupid. What are you going to do, type the notes?"

I could always make you say something completely stupid and out of character.

"No you couldn't, because despite the fact that you're writing this purely to be a crackfic, you don't want to fuck with things to badly. That, and Faith's Melody would probably destroy you if you did."

*blink* Well, then. On with the show. Quickly losing interest in the voice in the ceiling, she redirected her attention to Itsuki, who had returned to the room after a much needed cold shower.

"Dude, ominous voice in the sky, you're a dick." And you're a stoned out sailor scout. Ha, rhyming narrator trumps multi-dimensional psychic. Anyway, you might want to pay attention, Haruhi wants something.

"Again? Wait-" he added, glancing over at their Brigade leader, who appeared extremely agitated at being ignored by one of her usually most loyal troops.

"Congratulations, pothead, you've been demoted to drums. Kyon, you're the sound guy. And finish writing us some songs. Mikuru, learn how to play keyboard. You guys have one week."

*--*

One week later.

Kyon took his usual route to the club room, although now, he was dragging sound equipment, and under his arm was a folder of loosely kempt papers. "I hate this. I thought we got rid of you a week ago? Don't you have anything better to do?"

Nah, I just left for the scene change.

Kyon stepped up to the club room door, and heard some rather impressive guitar playing, and an accompanying keyboard that didn't suck. "Wow, the keyboard doesn't suck." I know, I just said that, jackass. "Well now I'm saying it. And I'm opening the door while I'm talking, so you can't narrate that action." …Fuck You.

As he stepped into the clubroom, he saw Yuki standing in her usual corner, playing her guitar, which was plugged into an amp a few feet away. "Bitch I already know that," she said, not looking up. And yes, I know you know, but the readers don't know, because my stories don't _come with pretty pictures! "…Bitch." Sitting at the table was Mikuru, who was playing the keyboard rather well, although she looked slightly stressed as she played._

"_I can't control it," Mikuru whined._

"_That's what she said," Itsuki commented. No one bothered to look around the room for him, because it didn't matter where he was standing, or what he was doing. Anyone can drum. "You suck," he grumbled. "Why are you so mean to me?"_

_Because I half-like Kyon, Yuki scares me, Haruhi is a GOD, and like it or not, Mikuru is voiced by the same person as Haruhi, and I fear thine wrath._

"_So basically, you're a pussy-whipped pushover who thinks the main character gets too much crap as it is," he grinned while he talked, of course, noone noticed, because he hadn't shown up on screen yet. The camera had suspiciously settled on Mikuru's… keyboard. Yeah._

"_And we thank you for that," Kyon added. He glanced over to Mikuru. "What's wrong, Asahina?"_

"_I can't stop playing!" Mikuru simpered. Kyon took note of the intense waves of Moe, then glanced with suspicion over to Yuki._

"_I haxxored the keyboard so that anyone playing it will automatically know all the keystroked to whatever song they're playing, and will not stop until the song is finished._

"_I see," Kyon agreed, then sat down in his usual spot._

_WHAM! The clubroom door burst open, Haruhi storming in. "I can't believe this. Those *bleepbleepbleep-bleeeep-bleeeeep-bleeeeeep-bleepbleepbleep* student council members won't let us use the stage! How are we supposed to get famous and conquer the world through mainstream music if we can't play? And why did you censor me?" Haruhi ranted. She moved to her officer's chair, and sat down, glaring at the ceiling-_

_Oh. You were asking me a question. It's in Morse code. Check it out._

_Haruhi pulled out today's script, reading and re-reading her last line. "Oh, I get it. Clever. DON'T do it again."_

…_.Yess'm._

"_Anyway, as I was saying, since the student council won't let us play on stage, we're scraping this whole idea."_

_Kyon blinked. "Are you nuts?! I spent all week working on these songs! I even spent my entire weekend studying guitar tabs!"_

"_Well that's your fault. No one asked you to do it," Haruhi remarked, clicking away on her computer, trying to think of her next master plan for world-domination._

_Kyon's eyebrow twitched violently. "NO ONE ASKED ME?! YOU ASKED ME! LIKE A WEEK AGO, WHEN YOU CAME UP WITH THIS CRAZY IDEA, AND SOLD MY SISTER ON THE INTERNET! I MEAN, SHE JUST GOT BACK LAST NIGHT!"_

_Feel better?_

"_Yeah, actually. Wow, behold the therapeutic powers of caps lock," said a slightly-less-stressed Kyon._

_Sure. Also, you are wrong._

_Kyon blinked again. "What?"_

_You're wrong._

"_How am I wrong?! She asked me just last week to-"_

_Actually, she told you to do it. Didn't asked. And you bent over and did it like a little bitch. No wonder you're the seme in all the ItsukixKyon stories._

"_Wait, there are ItsukixKyon stories?" Kyon looked uneasy._

_Absolutely. Also called Itsukyons._

"_And where would these stories be, what you've read them?" He crossed his arms, glaring at the ceiling._

_Haruhi's page._

_Kyon's head snapped over to his officers desk, where his fearless, (if slightly off the wagon) leader sat oblivious to the conversation, slowly clicking away at the computer. "Ooh, new chapter," she mumbled, leaning intently close to the screen._

_Kyon shivered. "I don't know which is worse, being in a yaoi story with Stoner McBoner over here, or that Haruhi thinks of me as a sex object."_

_Dude, you have NOT been paying attention._

"_I what?"_

_Said too much already._

"_Alright! I have a new plan!" Haruhi proclaimed, jumping up from her seat._

"_This isn't going to involve me selling my relatives on the internet, is it?"_

"_Nope," Haruhi shook her head. "And you should be happy, we get to use your crappy songs anyway!"_

"_Oh, no. What did you do?" Kyon groaned, facepalming._

"_We're going to be street performers!"_

_Author's note: Keep in mind that this story has been written purely to make fun of anything and everything, including the Abridged Series I'm using as reference material. Look up Fullmetalchao on Youtube if you want to see for yourself._

_Kyon: You have GOT to be shitting me. Street performers?!_

_The Writer: It's what Haruhi wanted._

_Kyon: How do you know?!_

_Haruhi: Because he wouldn't have written it, otherwise. He's too much of a fan boy to piss me off._

_Kyon: Fanboy, huh? Whu-tish!_

_The Writer: And yet I'm not so socially oblivious that I miss the obvious romantic subtext._

_Kyon: What?_

_Haruhi: (pulls out large hammer) Don't do something I'll make you regret._

_The Writer: Eep._

_Kyon: I still don't get it._

_Haruhi: As it should be._


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Ok, I got some good publicity from FullMetalCHao (who I now _slightly_ hero-worship), after he read my fan fiction on Vokle. Kudos to him for putting up with me and my, well, me-ness as long as he has, and I promise to not be as annoying as I think I have been. Wait… yeah, that's what I meant to say. Yeah.

Chapter 2: Pushing your luck.

Once again, Kyon found himself in the the S.O.S. Brigade club room, although, this time, he was alone.

"I was, until YOU showed up," Kyon grumbled.

Quiet, you. As I was saying, the rest of the group members had not shown up for club activities that day. Behind Kyon, on the whiteboard, was a note in Haruhi's handwriting that said:

_Hey, slave._

_We've gone off to become Pokemon trainers so I can cut them open later and sell their organs on the black market. You're not coming with because I don't want to hear you whine about how it's illegal._

_Your lord and Master,_

_Really, if you need me to fill in this blank for you, you're dumber than I thought._

_P.S. We'll be back later this afternoon. I'f you're not there when we get back, I'll start stalking you again._

"At least I can finally get some studying done. That bitch has wreaked havoc on my grades."

Wait, so they're not coming back here?

"Nope."

But, but, I can't go into the Pokemon Abridged universe.

"Why not?" Kyon asked, glancing up at the ceiling.

…. I hate that shit.

"So go find one of the other minor characters in this story and bug them. I need to study."

. . . Fine. Be that way.

Great. Now who am I supposed to narrate? Kyon's sister? No, she's not back from Sawako's house yet. (A/N: See KTAS The Fanfiction 8shameless plug*) Random blue-haired chick? Nope, dead. Green-haired chick? *shudder* The computer club? Yeah, right. Losers.

At that point, two boys were walking around the schoolyard, looking unoccupied and easily manipulat-I mean narrated.

"Man, when are we going to get more lines?" The taller one complained. "How am I supposed to pick up girls if I don't talk?"

The shorter one just glanced at him. "What? Sorry, wasn't paying attention to you. And it's hard to hear you over your lack of lines."

As the two boys prepared to leave, they-

"Hey, who is that?" the shorter one said, whipping around.

Don't worry, it's me, the narrator.

The taller one looked confused. Or just looked. Kinda hard to tell. "What are you doing here? What about the S.O.S. Brigade?"

They're off violating the laws of nature, and Kyon's studying in the clubroom.

As the shorter one opened his mouth to speak, a commanding female voice echoed from a upper-story window. "Hey, Writer, get up here! I wanna do stuff!"

(one obedient scene change later)

"Good, now that you're here, we can get started," Haruhi said. It was only her and Kyon in the room.

"Get started on what? And what do we need him for?" Kyon asked, not looking up from his book.

Well, since he IS writing this, we can't really do anything remotely plot related-"

Kyon coughed loudly into his hand.

"-_without him._" Haruhi said through gritted teeth. "Now, since the other three are currently in prison in an alternate universe for trafficking illegal creatures through Ritsu's skirt, I thought now would be a good opportunity to work on some side projects I've been going over. Normally I'd run these by no one, and just do them myself, but without the rest of my servants here to carry out my will, I'll have to settle for you sitting there and listening to me be awesome."

"I did that enough during the trip to Itsuki's relative's house," Kyon grumbled.

"What do you mean?" asked Haruhi.

"I mean paper thin walls plus the middle of the night plus you alone in a room makes for a very frustrated me," he growled.

Haruhi glared at him. "You're a sick pervert."

"And you're a moaner," Kyon retorted.

God, I love moaners.

The two stared off into the corner of the room, at _me_, because I keep forgetting they can hear me.

"Kyon, you are now less of a pervert than you were three seconds ago," Haruhi said.

"Let me guess, simply because there's someone worse to compare to?"

"Basically," Haruhi scoffed, and started clicking away at her computer.

*cough* yaoi crossover *cough*

Haruhi glared. Three guesses at who, and the first two better not be wrong.

"Speaking of Yaoi crossovers," Kyon said, putting his book down, and shifting his gaze to Haruhi, "Why the hell did you write stories about me and Itsuki?"

Itsuki and _you._ You are the seme, after all.

"Eat me."

Itsuki's job.

"…Anyway," he said, returning his gaze to Haruhi. "I want you to stop putting stories about us up on the web. Or writing them at all. It's creepy."

"Would you rather I just rape you instead?" Haruhi asked offhandedly.

Kyon paused. "What?"

Haruhi grinned evilly, and chuckled. "Kyon, come here for a moment."

(one edited out rape scene later)

"…" Haruhi sat in silence.

"Don't worry about it," Kyon commented, adjusting his collar. "It happens to everyone."

"…"

"It's not a big deal, it's pretty common," he continued, apparently trying to console her.

"…Shut Up." She growled, packing her things into her schoolbag.

"Aww, c'mon, just because you couldn't-"

"I said SHUT UP!" she shouted, kicking him out of the room.

Dude, what happened?

"I don't think she wants to talk about it," Kyon said, walking away.

(later that evening)

Kyon had just gotten to sleep when his phone started ringing in his ear. "Hello?"

There was silence on the other end of the line for a little while, then, "Kyon?"

"Haruhi? Do you have any idea what god-forsaken time it is?" he mumbled into the phone.

"SHut up. I'm just calling to tell you that if you tell anyone about what happened this afternoon, I will kill you. Then I'm going to burn your corpse in my grill, until it reaches a fine powder. THEN I'll go to work on you!" CLICK! The line went dead, and Kyon went back to sleep. _I'll feel threatened in the morning_, he thought.

(the next day)

Kyon strolled into the classroom as was his standard routine, to find that the rest of the Brigade had been released from prison.

Sitting in his usual spot, and letting Mikuru pour him a cup of tea, Kyon glanced around at the other members. "So, how was prison?"

"Well, Mikuru got passed around like a pack of cigarettes, Yuki made everyone her bitch, and passed Mikuru around some more, and Haruhi couldn't do the deed yesterday," Itsuki explained.

Haruhi nearly exploded. "KYON! YOU TOLD HIM!? I'LL KILL YOU!"

"What?! No! I didn't tell anyone anything! This is the first time I've seen him in two days!"

"Kyon…" Haruhi growled menacingly.

"Dude, I was just messing with you guys," Itsuki said, then looked over to Haruhi. "You really couldn't get it up? Wow, and I thought I was bad."

"You mean Kyon _didn't _say anything to you?" Haruhi raised an eyebrow, then glared at Kyon again.

"Nope. But now that everyone knows that you two at least _tried_ to do it, I'm sure the latent sexual tension in the room will surely decrease. Right?" Itsuki added, staring at the other two members. Yuki hadn't looked up from her book, and Mikuru was too busy blushing to say anything.

Nice try, man.

"Eh, I do what I can."

Haruhi then sprang to her feet. The next thing Kyon knew, he was being dragged by the hand down the hall.

They paused at a stairwell, and Haruhi stared at Kyon for a moment. "What do you want now?" Kyon muttered.

"I'm raping you again."

"…What?"

(yet another edited rape scene later, back in the club room)

"Don't worry about it, Kyon."

"…"

"It happens to _everyone,"_ Haruhi drawled sarcastically. "It's not a big _deal. _It's pretty common."

"Shut up," Kyon snapped. He sighed heavily. "Great, what do I do now?"

"Oh, that's simple. I'm just going to keep trying to rape you till we get it right. Then I'll break you, and make you my man-slut," Haruhi stated matter-of-factly.

"…Sonofa bitch."

Mikuru still hadn't moved.

Wow, that's an impressive shade of red.

Author's Note:

Kyon: Really? A rape chapter? How in any universe is that ok?

The Writer: It's called _Implied Rape. As long as I don't type out the scene, we're good. And are you really complaining that someone that hot is trying this hard to do you? …She's right behind me, isn't she?_

_Haruhi: Yep._

_The Writer: (bowing profusely) I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry._

_Haruhi: You should apologize. The only reason I allow you to live this long is because you got one thing right._

_The Writer: What's that?_

_Haruhi: Kyon's still the seme._

_Kyon: I hate you all._


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Ok, I've got a couple of people going, and it's just getting started. That's a good sign. SO, let the madness continue!

Chapter 3: Your Public Demands It!

"We're going to do what?" Kyon shouted, his voice reaching interesting pitches. Somewhere, a dog barked. Then, it heard Kyon's octave. It died.

At that point, Mikuru started crying. "Y-yo-you killed a doggie, Kyon!"

Kyon looked from the distraught Mikuru to his Brigade chief, who was currently favoring him with a slightly terrifying grin of, "boy do I have plans for you," to the ceiling.

I waved.

And Kyon blinked. Again. You know you do that about 4,200,000 times a year, right?

"So why do you keep pointing it out?" he shouted to the sky on the other side of the ceiling above him. On that same street, where that same doggie suffered a Kyon-induced brain hemorrhage, it's brother, who had come outside to see what was the matter, was in the middle of barking out the sentence, "Dude, what happened to-" then it died.

Mikuru continued to cry.

For these exact reasons. Now pay attention, Haruhi has something to say.

"And I should care why?" his voice had returned to normal, if only to save more puppies from the same fate. Caution tape was already being laid out for the first two victims. Doggie outlines in chalk are never a pretty site.

You should care. Because, even if all she has to say is that she saw a pretty bird outside and wants you to go kick it's ass, (which, knowing Haruhi, is entirely possible. Poor squirrels.), then you should be standing at motherfucking attention. She does kind of own you, you know.

"She does not own-"

"QUIET, SLAVE!" The Brigade Chief shouted. Kyon stopped talking.

Itsuki looked up from his drag. "Dude, you are so-" AS DID EVEYONE ELSE.

…

Dude, that _worked!_ Win for me. Anyway, Haruhi, you were saying? I started narrating after your announcement, so I'm completely clueless.

"Like I _said_, we're going to be doing public service announcements!" Haruhi proclaimed, posing dramati-

…Wait, what? Public service announcements? Have you been in Itsuki's stash? I thought Kyon smoked all of it! I swear, if I have to type out the words "And now, a word from our sponsor…"

"You just did," Haruhi added smugly.

OHGODDAMIT! *huff* Fine. But you should know I'm a union man, I expect due payment.

"No." she said bluntly. Worth a shot.

"Hey, wait a minute. Where's Yuki?" Kyon asked suddenly, looking around. He soon saw Yuki sitting quietly in… her… corner? Ok, how did we lose the bitch this time?

The camera pans over to the Light Music Club, where the girls from Afternoon Tea Time were currently trying on various outfits for their next gig. Oi!

Yui looked at the ceiling. "Oh, hi, ominous voice from nowhere!"

Sup. Have you guys seen Yuki?

"Um, like, she was here yesterday, then, like, she went somewhere else, and like, I don't know where that is," Mugi 'explained'.

"Hey, Ritsu, get your hand out of there! I can do it myself!" a deep voice yelled from the corner of the-

"Ominous voice? What's wrong? Helloooo, ominous voice?"

"I think he's like, in shock or whatever, from, like, seeing Ritsu molesting Mio in her, like underwear."

… I will forever hold purple and white stripes close to my heart.

"You pervert! This is supposed to be a show for teenagers!" Mio yelled.

Actually, since I never completed the sentence, the camera's actually just kind of pointing at the table right now. And also, kids show? Yeah right. Tell that to the guitar. Hi, Guitar!

"What's up, my man?" the red and orange electric said from his post in the corner.

Have you seen Yuki?

"No, man. But Ritsu might now. Portal skirt thing and all."

Oh, yeah. Ritsu!

"What's up, pop stalky?" the energetic Haruhi clone said, walking into camera view. Mio stayed where she was. Modesty, people.

Do you know where Yuki went?

"Why, what's that bitch want now?" she asked.

We're making…. Public service announcements. *shudder*.

"Dude, that sucks. Can't help you there. But I think Yuki went to Taiga's house."

Taiga? The psychotic, boken-wielding loli of doom?

"Yeah, that's her!" Ritsu exclaimed. "I gotta go molest Mio some more, see you later!"

Bye.

Once again, our faithful camera pans over to another universe, into the household of Taiga Aisaka. Which was… empty. Son. Of. A. BITCH!

"Cracker, that's my word," said a deep(er) voice from somewhere in the house. Trailing through the apartment, the camera located Yuki sitting on Taiga's bed. Reading. Big F***ING surprise.

"Bitch."

Alright, alright. We'll argue later. Haruhi needs us, and I don't have enough Skirt Tickets to follow you anywhere else.

"Get a pass."

I would, but it's too late in the month. Spending that much money on it would cost more than getting individual passes for the rest of the month, before I'd have to get one for _next_ month.

"Bitch better plan ahead."

Says the genius who forgot the condom. It was your turn, you know.

"Don't make me haxxor you into a chick," she threatened, not looking up from her book.

And that's another thing. Why don't you ever look at me when I'm talking? It's like talking to a wall.

"Just shut up and drive the camera," she said coldly, standing up.

We'll continue this later.

"Pussy."

Back in the S.O.S. club room, where Yuki once again sat down, reading her book, _ignoring me-_

"You two should seriously get some counseling," Haruhi observed.

Hey, I'm not the one who-

"Not the psychiatrist," she said. "Anyway, we're getting started. Now, I've already got four clubs asking us to do Announcements to help support them, because they're poor Asian trash and can't afford a real advertising company."

"Ok, what clubs are these?" Kyon asked.

"The kendo club, the computer club, the Occult club, and the Tea Ceremony club. I told them I'd do at least a short audio-only commercial that they can play over the morning announcements later next week," she explained.

Kyon raised an eyebrow. "Are you feeling ok? This idea is a little, well-"

"Yes?" Haruhi asked threateningly, crossing her arms.

"It's too normal. I don't like it. You're starting to scare me," Kyon said flatly.

"Aww, are you not 'up' to it, Kyon?" she teased.

"Hey, I told you, I had too much to drink last night!"

"At least Itsuki can hold his alchohol," she said offhandedly, sitting back down in her officer's chair.

By the way…

"Hmm?" Haruhi looked up.

I'm calling you on that. BS. Bee fucking ess. One, Itsuki can't hold his alchohol. I've seen him drunk. He's worse than you. Two, you haven't slept with him.

"How do you know?" she asked crossly, glaring.

Because you have boobs.

Haruhi blinked. See? Everyone does it. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Aside from the fact that you're ridiculously hot? He's a damn lolicon. If he's going to sex anyone in this room, it's Yuki. And that is NOT going to happen.

Itsuki's turn to glare. "And how would you know?"

Two words: Lea. Ther.

Itsuki paused, then shuddered.

"Bitch."

"ANYways," Haruhi interjected. Let's get going on these damn announcements.

Public service announcement: The Kendo Club

Haruhi: Hey there. Ever wanted to learn to defend yourself?

Itsuki: Ever wanted to show off those dashing muscles to the ladies?

Kyon: If beating people up with big sticks on a daily basis while getting your ass handed to you by people much better at life than you are sounds like fun, you should join the Kendo Club.

Mikuru: We offer a diverse training schedule and challenges for all levels of skill!

Yuki: So come beat the shit out of people today!

All: Join the Kendo Club, you big pussy!

Public service announcement: The Computer Club

Kyon: *sigh*

Mikuru: (slowly) What is wrong, Kyon?

Kyon: I'm just so over-productive. It's really wearing on me. I get too much done every day.

Mikuru: (still slowly) I know what you mean, Kyon. I am also very busy being a productive member of society.

Kyon: What are we going to do?

Haruhi: Hey, you there! You productive people who are good for the economy!

Kyon and Mikuru: Yes?

Haruhi: How would you like to sit on your ass every day staring at a pretty screen, and playing mindless games?

Mikuru: (even slower) But where could we do such a thing?

Kyon: Yes, tell us, oh stranger. Tell us how to waste our lives like typical teenagers.

Haruhi: You should join the Computer Club! All we do all day is play mindless games, look at porn, and harass other clubs for fun!

Kyon and Mikuru: Yay.

All three: Join the Computer Club!

Public service announcement: The Occult Club

Itsuki: Oh, no! This is terrible!

Yuki: What's your problem, cracker?

Itsuki: It's awful! I'm seeing horrible visions of ghosts and goblins and all kinds of imaginary things that couldn't possibly be caused by my drug abuse!

Yuki: Go to the occult club.

Itsuki: Are you sure they can help?

Yuki: No, they can't do shit. I just want your crazy ass away from me.

Both: Join the occult club!

Public service announcement: The Tea Ceremony Club

Kyon: Are you a girl? No? Are you gay? No? Then stop listening. But, if your answer to either of these questions is yes, join the Tea Ceremony Club. Why? I don't know.

Public service announcement: The S.O.S. Brigade

(Loud fanfare sounds over the intercom)

Haruhi: Attention, all of you potential man-slaves and girls! The S.O.S. Brigade is open to new members! For anyone who has ever wanted to amount to anything in there life other than a steaming pile of failure, join now! And obey me, Haruhi Suzumiya!

The other four: (droning) All hail Haruhi, all hail Haruhi.

Haruhi: Muahahahahaha!

A week had passed since the public service announcements had aired, and some of them were effective, to a degree. The computer club got a couple new members, mainly other geeky guys who liked internet porn. The occult club got a new member for a few days, having reached the assumption that they had pot. (They did, but the guy was a fuck up, and they got caught.) The Tea Ceremony Club got two new members, a girl and a gay guy, who hadn't known that the club existed.

The most benefit, however, went to the Kendo Club. Apparently, muscles and beating people with sticks are both really popular.

The S.O.S. Brigade, however, gained no new characters. Why? Because the closest this fanfic gets to an OC is me.

They did, however, get some free stuff. Mikuru got a new tea set. Itsuki got more pot. Haruhi got a new beat stick. And both Yuki and Kyon got porn.

So everyone lived happily ever after. Until the next day…

"We're starting our own radio show!" Haruhi proclaimed.

As one, the group looked from Haruhi, to the intercom, to Haruhi, to the ceiling. "Goddammit."

Author's Note: I love this chapter. I really do. Public service announcements _are fun._


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: People love crackfics. I don't know why.

Chapter 4: The Interview

There were only a few people in the room who were entirely sure why they were there, and what they were doing. Haruhi, of course, because it was her idea. The head of the Media club, because he had been blackmailed into it. And Yuki, because I'm pretty sure she knows everything.

Kyon glanced over to the whiteboard, and noticed, out of the corner of his eye, that the head of the media club was trying very hard not to do the same thing. He sighed. "Don't worry about it. That's just the narrator. We're kind of used to it by now. No, you're not crazy."

The head of the media club, who we will just call Media-

"But my name is-"

-noone cares. You're here as a plot device. Plot devices don't get names. You're the story line equivalent of a red shirt. Anyway, the guy had just finished setting up a camera and lighting equipment in the S.O.S. Brigade room, as his lackeys, (hey, you get lackeys!)

"No, they're here under my direction. I don't trust anyone from his club that I haven't already blackmailed. They're from the Manual Labor Club," Haruhi explained. Sorry, Media, I tried. "Anyway," Haruhi continued. "You lowlifes now have the honor of conducting the first ever televised interview of the S.O.S. Brigade!"

"I thought it was called the Evil Cookies Club?" Manslave #1 asked.

"I tried…" Haruhi mumbled. "Moving on. You are going to interview each of us in turn, starting and ending with me!"

"Um, doesn't that mean none of us will get to talk?" Mikuru asked quietly.

"Of course not, Mikuru. I will get interviewed first, then you, then Yuki, then Itsuki, then Kyon if I feel like it, then me again, as a closing note!" the club leader explained, waving a finger at the club mascot. The club slave shook his head, and stared at the whiteboard.

"Where the hell do you get the motivation to do this shit?" Kyon grumbled.

Blame the people who actually enjoy this story. I did not create them, they just kind of happened.

Kyon continued to glare. "Thanks a lot, Layman."

All at once, Kyon was dragged by Haruhi to the back of the room. "You're in my shot! And stop talking to the help!"

…Ex-CUSE ME? The HELP? Aww, hellz, no! That's it, I'm out of here!

Footsteps were heard leading away from the whiteboard, when, very slowly, Haruhi pulled a small Polaroid out of her uniform. She waved it a little, and the footsteps rapidly returned. Is that? "Yes," Haruhi answered, grinning evilly.

And that's-

"Uh-huh."

And they're totally-

"Yup."

-blink- The help is reporting for duty, ma'am!

"That's better. Now let's get this train wreck over with," Haruhi snapped, as the picture mysteriously disappeared. Hee hee hee.

8888888

"Ok, Haruhi's interview, take one!" said a voice off-camera. Haruhi had posed solo at her usual desk, looking across at the camera.

"Across? Excuse me? I should be looking down on you pitiful heathens, I should-"

Upskirt shots.

"Oh."

8888888

"Haruhi's interview, take two. Ok, Miss Suzumiya, let's start with a few basic questions. First, Tell us a little about yourself."

"Why?"

"…Um, what?"

"Why should I tell you anything about me? This is going to be publicly broadcast, right? Why should I risk divulging any information that could leak out to my enemies and lead to my impending doom? Unless you're already working for them. This was all a setup! I knew it!" Haruhi yelled, diving at the camera man. The video shook slightly, then toppled over, showing only the floor, and a shuffle of feet.

"No, wait, I was just-AAHH! Get her off me! Get her off me!"

"I'll teach you to threaten the S.O.S. Brigade! YAR!"

-BEEEEEEP-

We are now experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.

8888888

"Ok, Mikuru's interview, take one." Said a different voice from behind the camera. The steady beep of a heart monitor could be heard from the corner of the room. Mikuru looked uncertainly from the camera, to just a few inches away from it.

"Um, should I talk to the caera, or to you? I've never done this before, so I don't really know…" It should be noted that her uncomfortable shuffling had some very interesting effects on her… physics.

"…" Dude, say something, you're staring. "Huh, what?" said the off camera voice. "Oh, oh yeah! Um, just look at the camera, Mikuru, we're just going to ask you some questions."

"O-ok," she answered quietly.

"So, can you tell us something about yourself?"

"Well, I'm a classified information from classified information, and I was sent here to classified information for classified information. My favorite things are classified information and puppies. I alsoclassified information some classified information."

"Um… ok… So what do you do in the S.O.S. Brigade?"

"I dress up, serve tea, and classified information."

"Ok, what part of Japan are you from?"

"That's classified information."

-twitch- "So… what made you apply to this school?"

"That's also classified information."

-twitch- The microphone made a thud and a dull electronic whine as it hit the ground. "That's it, I'm out of here. *BEEP* this."

"Have a nice day!" Mikuru called after him.

8888888

"Ok, Yuki's interview, take one," said Manslave #2. "Well, Miss Nagato, what do you do in the S.O.S. Brigade?"

"Whatever the F*** I want." Yuki growled.

"Ok," deep breaths, dude. She's like that with everybody. "Ok. So what do you do in your free time?"

"I read. I kill people. And I do badass things to some ugly motherf***ers."

-deep breath- "Ok. Cool. So what made you want to join the S.O.S. Bridage?"

"I didn't. They're all actually part of the literary club, and don't know it. Crackers."

"The literary club, huh? So what do they-" CHK-CHK. BOOM.

Yuki! Don't kill the help!

"Cracker asked too many questions. Bitch."

8888888

-COUGH COUGH- What the hell? Why is the room full of smoke?

"Itsuki's… Itsuki's intervi-" *giggle* "Itsuki's Interview take o-o-one…" *snicker* "Ahahahaha!" laughed Manslave #1.

Oh. That's why.

"Dude, you want some?"

Well, I'd like to, but I'm kind of a disembodied voice. Although… *snicker* there is a lot of smoke… *snicker* and it's all purple. Hee hee hee, why is it purple? Hee hee. Ahaha.

"So, like, Itsuki. *snicker* What do you, like, do here? In the club thingy, or whatever?" –THUD-

Dude, he fell out of the chair. That's AWESOME.

"I don't think we're going to get this interview done."

You said "we" hahahaha!

8888888

"Ok… Ok… I'm good. So. Kyon's interview take 1," said Manslave #1.

"Oh, goody. Another interview. Like the Youtube one wasn't enough."

All off a sudden, stomping was heard off-screen. "You mean you've already had an interview?" haruhi shouted off-camera.

"Yeah, but so have y-"

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" Haruhi shouted, pulling Kyon by his collar. "I'm the only one who should be getting more exposure here, not you!"

"Haruhi, calm down, this was all your-" –CRASH- "Get her off me, get her off me!"

-BEEEEEEP-

Um… Well. This now concludes out broadcast?

88888888

Later, in the Light Music Club Room.

Um, girls?

"Yeah?" said Yui.

Can I hang out here for awhile? The S.O.S. Brigade club room is kind of… Well, it's a crime scene now.

-blink- "What?" asked Mio.

Trust me, you don't want to know.

"Ok, sure. You like, want some cake?" said Mugi.

CAKE!

"Hey, um, Mr. Narrator person?" asked Yui. "Why do you have a picture of Mio and Azunyan? And why are they-"

Yui, cake!

"Mine!"

Author's note: This chapter was kinda fun. Mostly, though. I just wanted to update this story.

And congratulations to the Layman, you have won an honorable mention!


End file.
